Q.  My 3-year-old is so persistent she’s driving us crazy. When she asks for something and we say “No”, she insists, “I want it! I want it" over and over. What can we do to help her accept “No” as the final answer?

A.  It's in the job description of a 3-year-old to be persistent. This trait helps your child accomplish many things, like mastering a new puzzle or learning to pedal her tricycle. A child’s temperament, or approach to the world, also influences just how persistent she is.  Some kids are extremely unwavering (like yours), while others are more go-with-the-flow and cooperate more easily. One approach isn’t better than another—what’s important is that you encourage your child to reach her goals while also accepting limits. 

For those who rarely give up, like your child, it’s important to be clear and consistent about rules and limits. If these change a lot (for example, one day she can throw the ball in the house and the next day you take it away), a child learns not to take adults seriously. This makes it hard for her to know what decision to make. She is likely to keep testing you to see what your reaction will be this time.  

The following tips can help your child understand and follow the limits you set:

• Let her know you understand her: “I hear you. You want to stay up late and read more books.”
  
  
• Set a limit. “But bedtime is 7:30 p.m. We have time to read one more story and then we will say good-night.”  Remember to use short sentences.  It’s hard for children to process lots of words when they are upset.
  
  
• Give her a choice within limits:  “Would you like to read the story about turtles or the one about the ghost?”  
  
  
• If the pushing continues, be clear and firm (“One more story and then bed.”).  Avoid a long back-and-forth interaction or negotiation. The more your child can engage you, the more rewarding it is for her. 
  
  
• If your child tries to keeps pushing, stop the negotiation by being clear about the limit: “You have a choice—you can settle down and read one last book, or you can go to sleep now. We can’t read while you’re arguing.”  If your child doesn’t stop, simply and lovingly hug her and put her to bed.  Avoid showing any anger, as that is likely to intensify the situation.  The more calm you can be, the better.  This shows your toddler that she can count on you to follow through on your word. 

Over time, using age-appropriate limits and consistency often leads to children pushing back less because they know you mean what you say.  It helps them learn the rules and adapt.