Supporting emotional regulation in toddlers and preschoolers
The emotional lives of toddlers and preschoolers are complex. They begin to experience feelings like pride, shame, guilt, and embarrassment.
Older toddlers are a lot like teenagers. Their feelings may swing wildly from moment to moment. They may be ecstatic when getting a popsicle and then be utterly despairing at having it drip on their hands. While their language and thinking skills are developing rapidly, older toddlers still need loving guidance to figure out how to cope with their emotions.
Challenging behavior often reflects a child’s inability to figure out how to express their feelings in an acceptable way or how to get an important need met. This means that a big part of reducing or preventing challenging behavior is helping children learn ways of managing their emotions and communicating their feelings and needs. Often this happens naturally as children develop better language skills in their third year, and have more experience with peers, coping with disappointment, and following rules.
You may see your toddler show you he is learning about self-control when they:
- Uses words or actions to get your attention or ask for help
- Talks to himself in a reassuring way when he is frustrated or frightened; for example saying to himself, Daddy will come back, after you drop him off at child care; or I can make this tower not fall down when playing with blocks
- Reenacts a stressful event, like a doctor’s visit
- Uses words like I’m mad rather than throwing or hitting
- Tells you the rules or shows that she feels badly about breaking rules; for example saying no to herself as she does something off-limits, like opening the fridge, or explaining at the park, Don’t walk in front of the swings.
Look for clues to understand the meaning behind toddler behavior problems.
All behavior has meaning and serves a purpose. And the same behavior can mean different things. For example, one child may bite when someone gets too close to him to keep the person at a distance. Another child may bite because the sensation of biting is satisfying to him. He has a physical need to bite.
So how you respond to a particular behavior will depend on your best guess about what the behavior means for your child at that moment in time. The first child above will need help learning how to communicate when people are getting too close in ways that don’t hurt others. The second child will need to be offered alternative ways to meet his oral needs, such as having crunchy snacks throughout the day. (Indeed, research has shown that offering crunchy foods can reduce biting in some children.).
Thinking about the following factors will help piece together what your child might be trying to tell you through their behavior:
- What is your child’s physical or emotional state? Is your child sick/healthy? Has he had a nap? Is he hungry? etc
- What is your child’s temperament? Does he generally have a hard time with change? Is he a big reactor by nature?
- What situational or environmental issues are challenging for your child? Is he going to a new babysitter’s house? Has there been a recent change in his world—a new sibling, grandma coming to visit, the loss of a pet, etc?
- What transitions are most challenging for him/her? For example, going from home to child care, or going to bed at night.
- What “triggers” his challenging behavior—what things tend to “set him off”?
- What times of day are most challenging for your child? Such as before naptime.
- Are there specific people that your child has a hard time with? Perhaps it is because their temperaments do not “fit” well with his.
You can also help your child begin to develop self-awareness and learn self-control when you share your observations: I know when there are a lot of children at the park you like to watch for a little while before going to play. That’s okay. Why don’t we sit here on the bench until you feel ready to join in?
When it comes to teaching self-control to toddlers, there are no one-size-fits-all answers. Using what you know about your child will help you figure out the best way to respond on a case-by-case basis.
Respond to tantrums in a way that helps toddlers learn self-control.
A tantrum signals a loss of control. Tantrums mean your child is overwhelmed and needs your help to regain control. Children are not able to learn anything when they are in this emotionally overwhelmed place. So when a child is having a tantrum, the goal is to help her regain control. It is only when your child is calm again that she can learn from the situation.
Most often children throw a tantrum because they have been denied something they want. The tantrum is often the result of a limit being set and enforced. Perhaps they have been denied a cookie before dinner, TV time is over, or you told them it was time to leave the playground. Helping your child recover from a tantrum is not coddling her or giving in. (Giving them the cookie or turning the TV back on would be!) It is helping her learn to manage life’s disappointments—a very important skill. It is only when your child has recovered from the tantrum that she is ready to learn from the experience.
Staying calm is the essential first step to managing toddler tantrums. The calmer you are, the calmer your child will be. Children take their cue from our responses. When we get agitated, upset, and frustrated at their tantrum, it increases their upset. They need you to be their rock when they are “losing it.” These simple activities can help parents and children find calm together.
Give your child choices to help with emotional regulation.
Choices help children feel in control. So it is very important to find ways to give your child choices as often as possible. However, the key is that the choices you are offering have to be acceptable to you. Don’t ask, Are you ready for bed? if their bedtime is not negotiable. But you might ask, Would you like to brush teeth before or after we read books? You are not asking if they want to brush their teeth or not—this is not up for debate. But you are giving the control over when they brush.
What you can do:
Offer choices to head off misbehavior. For example, when a child is having trouble sharing a ball, you might say, You have a decision to make. You can choose to take turns with the ball or put the ball away. When you give choices, remember to:
- Offer these choices in a positive, respectful way. Avoid sounding angry or punitive.
- Make these choices realistic and establish fair consequences ahead of time. You can decide to put your puzzle away and then we can play with the trains. Or, we can keep playing with the puzzle. But we cannot take the train tracks out until the puzzle pieces are back in the box.
- Keep your language simple and at your child’s level.
- Do not use the choices as a threat. Presenting the options is a way to help your child know that she has choices and that every choice has consequences. It is way to help children think more rationally when they are upset.
Explore alternatives to time-out.
Time-outs are fairly ineffective with children aged 2 and 3. Toddlers have little impulse control. They cannot consistently control their actions and, as a result, may not be able to sit in one place for any period of time (even a minute or two). This puts parents in the position of holding them down in “time out”—which doesn’t feel good for anyone.
For many children, time-out actually increases their distress and loss of control. These children may benefit more from being held closely, or rocked, as they need this kind of touch and body contact in order to reorganize. This is okay and should not be seen as “giving in.” Most important is helping your child calm down so he can then be available to learn from the experience.
Most importantly, time-outs do not help children learn from the experience and they do not teach correct behavior. If children don’t know what to do instead of an unacceptable behavior, they are likely to repeat it. Time-outs only serve to punish and isolate the child (Kaiser & Sklar Rasminsky, 2003.)
Know yourself. You are your child’s role model for how to cope with challenges (and everything else as well!). So how you manage your own feelings and reactions is an important factor in your ability to help your child develop self-control.
Give children a lot of credit when they show self-control.
Children want to please. When you respond positively to their behavior, you reinforce that behavior and also build their self-esteem. You stomped your feet when you were mad rather than hitting. Great job! And children who feel good about themselves are more likely to be well-behaved.
It is also important to help children experience and understand the benefits of good behavior. For example, if they cooperate with teeth-brushing, there is time for an extra book at bedtime.
One of the most consistent findings in early childhood research is that an emotionally warm and positive approach in learning situations leads to positive behavior in children (Kaiser & Sklar Rasminsky, 2003;). Even though it may seem unbelievable to parents sometimes, children are actually motivated to develop positive social skills, like self-control, because they please the people who are important to them.
What you can do:
- Notice and celebrate good behavior and choices. I saw how you shared your cars with Dante. You did a great job taking turns.
- Thank your child and show your appreciation. Thank you for helping me sweep the floor. I appreciate your help. When we work together as a family, our chores get done quicker and we can get back to playing.
- Tell your child what you like about him or her. You really have a great sense of humor— I love the jokes you tell. You are so kind to our puppy— I like how you are so gentle with him. Reminding a child of all the special and wonderful qualities they possess builds his self-esteem and promotes good behavior.
