Resources to support young children through uncertain times.
Parenting Through Crisis: Supporting Children Two to Five Through Racism, Violence and Family Separation
This resource provides thoughts and guidelines for talking about the complex issues of racism and equality in age-appropriate ways with children aged two to five years of age.
Television and radio news, social media, and neighborhood conversations are often dominated by violence, conflict, and social injustice. These can include racism, police violence, and immigration policy shifts and deportations. Adults across the nation continue to try to make sense of what is happening, and parents face the added challenge of figuring out how to talk about these complex and painful issues with children.
While we hope that children don’t fully understand what’s going on, even very young children pick up on our emotions, especially fear, sadness, and anger. They look to adults to help them make sense of their world.
Guidelines for Talking about Racism and Violence
Children are sensitive to the emotions, conversations and media around them, so managing stress at home matters.
Limit access to media images and discussions about frightening events.
- Young children are taking in everything they see and hear, and are working to understand what it all means. They are careful observers, closely attuned to and affected by the events happening around them. But, between ages two and five, children lack the reasoning skills to make sense of complex issues. Parents have an important role in helping young children understand, manage and process what they have seen and feel. By limiting your child’s access to screens and keeping them away from adult conversations (including your own very natural worries about your child’s safety), you can protect her from scary events that she has no way of understanding yet.
Stay calm when answering, as hard as that may be. This can lessen children’s fear and help them to feel safe.
- There will naturally be times when you just can’t be totally calm. If you are upset, you can explain in simple language why: “I’m crying because I see that man is hurt. I feel so sad for him and his family. I’m sad and that’s why I’m crying.”
- Children are very sensitive and know when there are topics mommy or daddy don’t want to discuss. Even babies as young as 3-5 months old can sense if you are upset or sad! So, as much as you can, try not to expose young children (even babies) to your anxiety.
Answer your child’s questions using simple language that they understand.
Let your child know they can always come to you with questions, even about difficult topics. When children feel safe asking questions, they are more likely to turn to you for support instead of worrying on their own.
If your child asks about something they have seen, heard, or overheard, give a short, honest answer that responds to their specific question. You do not need to explain everything at once.
Pay attention to your child’s cues. If they stop asking questions, stop giving more information—even if you feel you haven’t fully explained the situation. Children naturally let adults know how much information they are ready to take in. Following your child’s lead can help you better understand what they are thinking about, what they are worried about, and what they are trying to make sense of.
Tailor how you talk with your child based on his age and stage of development.
- When young children witness events that involve people that “look like me”, these events command great attention and are meaningful to young children. It is natural for them to have questions. Depending on what your child asks and her level of understanding, she may be ready to talk about differences, equality and racism in simple, age-appropriate ways. For example, between ages four and five, children understand the concept of fairness more than ever before. For preschoolers, this means that discussions about racism can be framed as unfair behavior because people see differences in skin color as better or worse.
Ideas for Answering Difficult Questions
Children may have questions about events they see, hear or experience, and your response can help them feel secure.
Are police officers good guys or bad guys?
- The job of police officers is to protect people. Police officers are just people. And there are some people who are good and kind, and some people who are not. Some police officers are good, helpful men and women. And some are not. But I believe that most police officers want to keep us safe (if you do believe this).
Why are people being mean and hurting others?
- Some people think other people are going to make trouble because of their skin color or the language they speak. That is wrong and there are many people trying to change that. The job of a police officer is to keep all people safe, no matter what their skin color is. It can feel sad and scary to see them being so mean. I’m glad that so many kind and caring people are saying, “Hey, it’s not ok to be mean and hurtful to others.”
- If your child has seen footage of people being injured and asks about it: Sometimes people get so stressed that they do things they should not do. It is never okay to hurt people because we disagree with them. The person who was hurt has gone to the doctor for help.
What is going to happen?
- Many good people are really upset about this. I don’t know what is going to happen, but we’re together. I love you and I will keep you safe.
Is Daddy safe? Is Mommy safe?
- Grown-ups can take care of themselves and keep themselves safe. You don’t have to worry. Mommy/Daddy always try to be safe in everything we do. Remember how we always look both ways before we cross the street? That is one way we stay safe. And there are many other ways that grown-ups stay safe too.
Am I safe?
- Mommy/Daddy will keep you safe. That is our job. Your job is to be a kid and have fun. We love you and we will keep you safe. There are many kind people, neighbors, teachers, and doctors who are helping too.
Why are people being taken away?
- Sometimes, the people who make the rules think someone doesn’t belong here because they came from another country. But many families come here to be safe and have a better life. It’s not okay to take people away from their families. Lots of people are working to change this so families can stay together.
Could this happen to us?
- That’s a really big question. I understand why you might worry. In our family, we’re doing everything we can to stay safe and together. And there are helpers around us who care and want to protect all families.
- [If your child is looking for additional information:] Sometimes people get so stressed that they do things they should not do. [Consider giving an example that your child might be able to relate to: Remember how I yelled when I lost my wallet?] That happens to police officers too and sometimes it means they act badly and are too rough and hurt people.
If you don’t know the answer to your child’s question, that’s okay. These are complex issues. It builds your child’s trust in you when you are open about not always knowing the answer.
Your child may be upset or confused following these challenging discussions. Watch for these signs and respond with extra support, hugs, and time together so that your child feels secure. Point out positive, supportive members of her community (family members, religious leaders, teachers, home visitors, physicians and others) who also care for and nurture your child. Let children know they have a network of people who are there for them.
How to Help Your Child Respond to Traumatic or Scary Experiences
Exposure to fear, uncertainty, or traumatic events can affect how young children behave, sleep, eat and interact with others.
If your young child is a witness to violence or has seen his/her caregiver in tense or frightening interactions with the police or others, watch for behaviors like:
- Increased clinginess, crying, and whining
- Greater fear of separation from parents or primary guardian
- Increase in aggressive behavior
- More withdrawn and harder to engage
- Play that acts out scary events
- Changes in sleeping and eating patterns
- More easily frustrated and harder to comfort
- A return to earlier behaviors, like frequent night-time wakings, toileting accidents, or thumb sucking
These are signs that a child is struggling with making sense of a scary or traumatic experience and needs additional support. Reach out to your child’s health care provider or to a counselor with experience with young children to plan how to move forward.
What You Can Do
- Create an environment of safety and consistency. Children who have been exposed to traumatic images or experiences benefit from an environment that is safe and predictable. Regular daily routines (like at mealtime, bath-time, hair-combing, and bed-time) help children trust and anticipate what will come next. Remember that these routines are as important to babies as they are for older children for feeling safe and secure. Maintaining a child’s school or child care attendance is also helpful, since this is a familiar routine that offers a sense of consistency and normalcy. If you can, try to limit changes (like switching preschool/child care providers) during this time. For children having a hard time with transitions, offer a comfort object like a special blanket or stuffed animal, or even a favorite action figure to hold.
- Harness the power of positive touch. If your child is having a hard time, offer extra cuddles or add a massage to your child’s daily bedtime routine. Deep pressure touch can help some children feel more ‘together’ and regulated.
- Build children up. Point out your child’s strengths and abilities. Give him opportunities to experience successes and achievements. Celebrate these milestones together. A strong sense of self and family begins with your child’s relationship with you.
- Use the daily routine of combing hair to connect with your young child. As a parent you can make this routine a relaxed, predictable time to talk, touch, and listen to your child. Sitting on your lap or snugly between your legs allows your baby or young child to be physically connected to you as you carry out this routine. The soothing and repetitive gentle hair-brushing of a boy or girl communicates warmth, caring, and a sense of security. Allowing your child to participate in the task (choosing bows or the number of braids) also reinforces a sense of control.
- Tell the story of your family. Use stories to communicate the strength, resilience, courage, humor, and intelligence of your family members. You can also highlight different themes like safety, courage, and adults providing protection. Storytelling is an ideal way to communicate your values, rich heritage, and traditions, and build a sense of family and cultural identity and pride.
- Make time for laughter and fun. Let your child see you laugh out loud while telling a story or going about your daily routines. Laugh together as a family. At the same time, be honest with your emotions. If the current tragedies are triggering memories of your own losses, be mindful of your feelings and seek support for yourself.
What do mental health issues in young children look like?
